"The 2016 Darwin Awards"  
(Believe it or not.)  
You've been waiting for them with baited breath, the Darwin theory of "Survival of the Fittest" awards for 2016, so without further ado, here they are:  
Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.  
Seventh Place  
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.  
Sixth Place  
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.  
Fifth Place 
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.  
Fourth Place  
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.  
Third Place  
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.  
Honorable Mention 
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M.so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.  
Runner Up  
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.  
And the winner is: 
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'  
Just goes to show that the saying "You Can't Fix Stupid" is so true!
"God Finally Finds a Man Genuinely in His Image" 
Everybody on earth died and went to heaven.  
On their arrival, God greeted the people and said: "I want the men to make two lines - one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." 
A little while later, God returned to the pearly gates to check on progress. The women had all gone with St. Peter as he had wished, and the men were split into two lines. 
The line containing men that were dominated by women during their earthly lives was 100 miles long, but there was just a single man in the line containing men that dominated their women. 
Enraged by this, God said to the men: “You should be ashamed for yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be controlled by your lovers or spouses.” 
Turning toward the solitary man, God continued: “Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son,  how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"  
"I don't know,  my wife told me to stand here," replied the man.
Don't ruin a good day by thinking about a bad yesterday. 
You are confined only by the walls you build yourself. 
Believe you can and you are halfway there. 
Don't feel sorry for yourself if you have chosen the wrong road, just turn around. 
Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations. 
The most wasted of all days is the one without laughter. 
Being happy never goes out of style.
Angels are watching over you and yours.
Thank You, God, 
for giving us the opportunity to change our country back to what You intended it to be. We glorify Your Name for all You've done in bringing Donald Trump into office. We 'Thank You' for the way so many of Your people prayed, and You answered. Now we pray that You continue to equip him and his team to take the leadership in our nation. We pray that You block those who would cause confusion or disrupt this transition in any way. Bring us together again as "one nation under God", where your values are upheld and every person is blessed.  
In Jesus Name we pray.  
"Wind Beneath My Wings" 
Bette Midler 
Ev &Els 
 until next time.
How would you like to serve this for dessert at your next party? And could you actually put it in your mouth and eat it?