"English Is A Comedy" 
A boiled egg is hard to beat. 
A dentist and a manicurist married - they fought tooth and nail. 
A will is a dead giveaway. 
Acupuncture: A jab well done.  
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. 
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all-right now. 
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time. 
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. 
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. 
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words. 
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. 
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.  
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy. 
A new type of broom came out, it is sweeping the nation. 
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said "No change yet". 
The new weed whacker is cutting-hedge technology. 
Some people’s noses and feet are built backwards: their feet "smell" and their noses "run".  
When William joined the army he disliked the phrase ‘fire at will’.
"The Little Girl & The Athiest" 
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." 
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. 
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" 
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." 
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell,  or life after death,  when you don't know shit?" And then she went back to reading her book.
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Madumb Ugly Bugly Peelosi 'founded' Pelosium.  We are so ????? for her.....
I choose: 
To live by choice, not chance. 
To make changes, not excuses. 
To  be useful, not be used. 
To excel, not to compete. 
I choose self esteem, not pity. 
To be motivated, not manipulated. 
I choose to listen to my inner voice not the voice of others. 
Weak people get revenge. 
Strong people forgive. 
Intelligent people ignore. 
Saying nothing is some times best, because saying nothing cannot be quoted. 
Also, I am not wierd, I am a limited edition.
May God Bless each and every one of us.
May you always have an Angel in your pocket.
"The Most Beautiful Girl" 
Charlie Rich 
Ev & Els 
Stars and Garters, goodbye time again.  See you soon.
Dear God, 
Please stand with President Trump.  
He truly needs your help and your guidance. 
Please, will you help him?  
In Jesus name I ask. 
Thank You God.  
Delta Rhythm Boys 
To play: Click on title. (Video)