"Selling My Stuff If I Die"
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table, when I said to her unexpectedly,
"When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that," she asked?
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said, "What makes you think I would marry another asshole"?
"Old Age Is A Bugger"
Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.
'Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.The next thing he knew,he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Fred.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Fred, wake up! You've shit the bed!"