These are actual comments made on students' report cards 
by teachers in the New York City public school system. 
All teachers were reprimanded. 
1. Since my last report, your child has reached  
rock bottom and has started to dig. 
2. I would not allow this student to breed. 
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy. 
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.  
(my favorite...) 
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then 
consistently fails to achieve them. 
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the 
plastic thing to hold it all together. 
7. This child has been working with glue too much. 
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell. 
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, 
but the train isn't coming.. 
10. If this student were any more stupid,  
he'd have to be watered twice a week. 
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that 
created this child beat out 1,000,000 others. 
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead. 
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers.  
The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:  
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than  
the one you just went through." 
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.  
They'll stretch after you wear them a while." 
3. "If you take your hands off the car,  
I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." 
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?  
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." 
6. "You don't know how fast you were going?  
I guess that means I can write anything I want to on  
the ticket, huh?" 
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, 
but I don't think it will help.  
Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" 
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you 
not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." 
9. "The answer to this last question will determine 
whether you are drunk or not.  
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" 
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair?  
Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, 
eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." 
11. "Yeah, we have a quota.  
Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." 
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."   
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?" 
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, 
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." 
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." 
And the winner is............... 
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?  
You're right, we don't.. Sign here."    
God Bless America
"Enough Is Enough" 
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.  
"In front of you?" He asks shyly.  
The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before. The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."  
"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."  
"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to a AAA battery. 
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.  
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.  
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"  
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
A ladies cwack?
Do you think they had to squash him a bit to get him to look like this?
"Take These Chains From My Heart" 
Ray Charles 
Designed & Compiled 
Ev  & Els 
God Bless us all and keep us safe from harm.
Be tender with the young,   
Compassionate with the aged,  
Tolerant of the weak,   
Because sometime in your life you will be all of these.