"One Little Dot"  
A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.  
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.  
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.  
"It's a 'period'," he replied.  
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"  
"Darned if I know," said the boy, "but yesterday my sister was missing one,  
Mom fainted,  Dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy."
"The Unhealthiest Food"  
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford on the subject of modern nutrition.  
"The rubbish we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.  
Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"  
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said: "Wedding Cake?"
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.¯ 
I said, If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.¯ 
Cost me a fat lip, but.....When you're over seventy...............who cares? 
That's  'old men' of course.........
Most of the time... when you're crying, nobody notices your tears. Most of the time... when you're worried, nobody feels your pain. Most of the time... when you're happy, nobody sees your smile. But when you fart just one time...... 
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
May God be ever with us and bestow upon us His Love and His Blessings. 
We ask you to protect our country 
from those who seek to destroy it. To protect all of its people from the graft and corruption that goes on within our Government and to keep us safe from the terrorists who have now come across our borders and live amongst us. And please God, let our next President be the "people's choice" and not that of the RNC, Congress, or The Elitists.  
Please stay with us and stand by us. 
We ask in Jesus name.  
"After All These Years" 
Foster and Allen 
Ev & Els 
Cheerio. See ye efter. 
Scottish (Northern)