"One Good Deed"
A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates to heaven. In front of them, stands a guardian angel.
As the man approaches, the angel greets him and warns him it is not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the fellow religious in life?
The guardian angel told him that's bad.
Was he generous? Gave money to the poor? Charities?
The guardian angel told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything?
The guardian angel was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, the angel says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet, and went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said the angel, "That's actually very impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
"The Nice Man"
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago."